long time no post

so many changes,
well, I'm shrinking, down to 47-44-51.
he lives here now...as a housemate
he's sick
I'm miserable
every flinch makes my heart hurt.
he seems to be becoming darker and more cynical all the time.
I might be a bad influence
he expressed his attraction for someone who's a 16, that's a start right?
he still doesn't see me

hmm

logged in on my second attempt today, got weird error codes, it told me to report it, but not to who.
Didn't see him yesterday, missed him hugely, I think he was in the store but hiding, I'm kinda freaked by it, damn shame too, I looked freaking awesome, 1 week into the diet and I feel pretty good, got to pick up some more detox tea, it's hard to be enthusiastic about walking into town when it's pissing it down, got a legitimate reason to go to the store today, gonna buy ars magica, looks really good, plus, you know, he likes it, he'll probably not be there today either, or if he is he'll hide, I can't blame him, I'd probably avoid me too if I could, not gonna get into the emo shit again, blah blah, worthless pointless useless piece of shit, y'all know that anyway, what with the stuff you've read here already, so my imaginary audience I sign off for another pointless day, wish me illusiary luck.
x

Been down to my mother's for the night, had lunch with a friend, I think they put some olive oil on the salad, and tonight's casserole was a little fatty, plus very little exercise means I've got to work much harder for the next couple of days, He's hurt his tooth, so sounds kinda weird, I'm ahead of him on the damn books now and sick of them, they're so tedious and repetitive, I hope it ends soon, my father is getting married to his girlfriend who was born in the same year as me, she's nice, I hope she makes him happy, he's spent his life desperately searching, I don't want to be like that, I have to win this fight, this time, or I'm gonna be fucked up forever, saw the previous him today, he drives me crazy now, he gave me his shirt, that fucked current him off deeply, he seemed properly pissed off, but that might just be because I was using it to mock him for having my shirt, plus I look cute in a loosely buttoned black shirt, I'm almost certain he reacted to me today, his eyes seemed as hungry for me as mine were for him, his lips parted when looked at me, and I caught him staring a couple of times, my Mom seems to think the weight is coming off, maybe that's it.

So everyone is out at the moment, I'm getting used to the detox diet, although really missing olive oil at the moment, but the worst of it appears to be over, I no longer feel like someone is passing hot steel through my guts, it may be my imagination but I think I'm even starting to look a little better.
So with the diet on its way, and it'll take all the time it takes, I need to work on altering my opinions, the beginning of this plan is the Terry Goodkind series the Sword of Truth, I'm trying to read them without my usual cynicism, it's difficult though, the blinding personal devotion is finally beginning to make sense to me, but so many of the logic leaps are warped, and the characters are desperately shallow, but they're his favourite books, I can do this, the other problem is socialism, I was brought up with a socialist mother who used my curled and be-dimpled self as a tiny red flag for years, naturaly I grew up politically conservative, and very anti-union, he's from Nottingham, his dad drove a bus during the miners' strike and he believes in the power of the union, he appears to be mostly liberal, although has kept his cards pretty close to his chest on that count, I find it hard not argue with him, about politics, his view is so limited, but I'm sure I can learn, my personal political beliefs appear to be remenants of teenage rebellion anyway.

the detox is making me feel kinda sick and kinda stoned, my stomach feels like it's falling out, he's here today, he's so worth it

so

Doctors have been visited, I'm on a no cheese, no alcohol, no red meat diet for the next two weeks to see if it will kick start me, and they've referred me to a gym and offered me the weird slimming pills that mean you don't absorb fat, I turned those down, I may be obsessed, but I can't be doing with stuff like that, maybe if the rest doesn't work.
I missed him yesterday, desperately, like a craving, it was fucked up, but it had been the first day I hadn't seen him in like a week, he was on im, but I didn't say hi and neither did he, I hung out in the store we both go to, but that's not that weird, I have a lot of friends there and they have net, I walked home, up the hill in the rain, it was cool, there were flash floods here yesterday.
This is kind of a stream of consciousness thing I'm doing right now, it's chilling me out considerably, today for breakfast I had 5 cherries, 5 grapes and a satsuma, the nurse says I need to get into the habit of eating 5 times a day, graze on loads of fruit and veg, and it will make my metabolism speed up, she says starving myself won't help, can't help but think that probably it would, tempted to make myself really ill, a couple of weeks on iv fluids would speed things up considerably.

wow, today was interesting, so, I fail hard, one grilled cheese sandwich (no butter) and I feel sick and utterly disappointed with myself, I hit the shower and am getting ready to head to town and pay my rent, and then he calls, "hi", says he, "Oh Hi", says I, "It's me," says he, "Hi smee," say I, original I know, so he's in town and bored, so suddenly I'm skipping gleefully down the hill into town, one half hour walk later and I'm on cloud nine, because he was bored and called me, strike 2 against deep me, so we wander around and chat shit for a while, in that companionable zone, where I am a non-sexual object because of the lard, and we drink tea, and buy crap, and drink more tea, (one small, fairtrade, skinny latte, 2 cups of earl grey, he had a green tea and 2 cups of earl grey, but that lacks relevence). we go back, take my housemates eldest son to beavers and grocery shop, oh yeah while we were in town I had to deal with the humiliation of a homeless guy who sells magazines telling him not to let me get away, and what a lucky guy he is to have me, while he protested bitterly that we were just friends, I nearly threw up.
So I cooked up chicken salad with olive oil vinagrette salami, cheese good bread, and we sat around in companionable silence until he went home, just now, and gods help me I miss him already.

gah

So last night I hit my head, pretty badly actually, one pupil wasn't dilating correctly, I went to sleep anyway, no-one could be bothered to stay up with me, I figured I was better off to die softly than be awake and miserable knowing that no-one actually cared, wow how emo is that?
But I'm pissed off so it's harder not to eat, I googled the calorific content of a grilled cheese sandwich, and tried to find healthy snack foods, as usual breakfast was a peach and a cup of coffee, I'm going in to town later, have to persuade myself that the Chinese buffet isn't worth it, it's hard right now, because he was here last night, knowing I'd hit my head, and he was the only one without a decent reason to stay up with me, except, you know, that I'm not actually worth the effort and he'd rather get some sleep, which is reasonable, I'm really kinda not.

Went to a friends yesterday, whole bunch of sewing done, 2 peaches, 2 bowls of pasta and a ham sandwich consumed, walked 1 and 3/4 miles.
We discussed how little women today understand their bodies, I didn't tell her about this blog, although I did tell her about the weight loss plan, although not how much I intend to lose, I also spoke to a gym, things are looking more organised at least.

wowser

53-46-57
dangerous curves indeed.
I go in next Wednesday for a meeting with the nurse about fixing up this jalopy of a body, not exactly the 36-24-36 I'm aiming for
so here's the math bit I need to lose 17 inches off my bust, 22 inches off my waist, and a whopping 21 inches off my hips, but at least I'm not quite twice the size I aught to be.
mild exercise for the day is walking into and around town, eaten so far a peach.

So I begin

All my life I've been political, green, strong, personally liberal, boring and fat.
I have found my motivation for change, he is beautiful, intelligent, strong, compassionate, but he only likes skinny girls who agree with him, I can do that.
Along the way I intend to explore my inbuilt depths and see if I in fact mean any of them.
Am I political because I have strongly held beliefs, or because my mother and father do?
Am I green because I want to save the world, or so I can judge others?
Am I personally liberal because I genuinely believe everyone has the right to freedom, or to protect my own freedoms?
Am I boring because of these things or because I have never strived to be more that them?
Am I fat because of a combination of disability, genetics and a love of cooking, or because I'm a lazy glutton?
Today I begin my weight loss plan, starting with half an hour dancing my fat ass off to Christina Aguilera's Stripped album, anyone who's heard it aught to appreciate the irony, but in case no-one else has a guilty pleasure for bubblegum pop, it's a diatribe against the male dominated society that judges women solely on looks, and a celebration of love defined by acceptance, yeah yeah yeah, sorry Christina, it also has a driving beat and is good to wiggle to.
So before I begin this journey truly, let me address the concept of feminism, I was brought up with bread and butter feminism, equal pay for equal work, man and woman stood together at the pinnacle of humanity, I don't think this precludes the desire to be, well, desired, I've taken a lot of flack from the movement over the years because I like to bake, and keep a home, and sew and all those things we're told we're no longer entitled to enjoy if we want equality, so to those who would judge me on their own table and find me wanting, feel free to tell me all about it, but don't expect me to agree with you, I am woman, see me yield.