long time no post

so many changes,
well, I'm shrinking, down to 47-44-51.
he lives here now...as a housemate
he's sick
I'm miserable
every flinch makes my heart hurt.
he seems to be becoming darker and more cynical all the time.
I might be a bad influence
he expressed his attraction for someone who's a 16, that's a start right?
he still doesn't see me

hmm

logged in on my second attempt today, got weird error codes, it told me to report it, but not to who.
Didn't see him yesterday, missed him hugely, I think he was in the store but hiding, I'm kinda freaked by it, damn shame too, I looked freaking awesome, 1 week into the diet and I feel pretty good, got to pick up some more detox tea, it's hard to be enthusiastic about walking into town when it's pissing it down, got a legitimate reason to go to the store today, gonna buy ars magica, looks really good, plus, you know, he likes it, he'll probably not be there today either, or if he is he'll hide, I can't blame him, I'd probably avoid me too if I could, not gonna get into the emo shit again, blah blah, worthless pointless useless piece of shit, y'all know that anyway, what with the stuff you've read here already, so my imaginary audience I sign off for another pointless day, wish me illusiary luck.
x

Been down to my mother's for the night, had lunch with a friend, I think they put some olive oil on the salad, and tonight's casserole was a little fatty, plus very little exercise means I've got to work much harder for the next couple of days, He's hurt his tooth, so sounds kinda weird, I'm ahead of him on the damn books now and sick of them, they're so tedious and repetitive, I hope it ends soon, my father is getting married to his girlfriend who was born in the same year as me, she's nice, I hope she makes him happy, he's spent his life desperately searching, I don't want to be like that, I have to win this fight, this time, or I'm gonna be fucked up forever, saw the previous him today, he drives me crazy now, he gave me his shirt, that fucked current him off deeply, he seemed properly pissed off, but that might just be because I was using it to mock him for having my shirt, plus I look cute in a loosely buttoned black shirt, I'm almost certain he reacted to me today, his eyes seemed as hungry for me as mine were for him, his lips parted when looked at me, and I caught him staring a couple of times, my Mom seems to think the weight is coming off, maybe that's it.

So everyone is out at the moment, I'm getting used to the detox diet, although really missing olive oil at the moment, but the worst of it appears to be over, I no longer feel like someone is passing hot steel through my guts, it may be my imagination but I think I'm even starting to look a little better.
So with the diet on its way, and it'll take all the time it takes, I need to work on altering my opinions, the beginning of this plan is the Terry Goodkind series the Sword of Truth, I'm trying to read them without my usual cynicism, it's difficult though, the blinding personal devotion is finally beginning to make sense to me, but so many of the logic leaps are warped, and the characters are desperately shallow, but they're his favourite books, I can do this, the other problem is socialism, I was brought up with a socialist mother who used my curled and be-dimpled self as a tiny red flag for years, naturaly I grew up politically conservative, and very anti-union, he's from Nottingham, his dad drove a bus during the miners' strike and he believes in the power of the union, he appears to be mostly liberal, although has kept his cards pretty close to his chest on that count, I find it hard not argue with him, about politics, his view is so limited, but I'm sure I can learn, my personal political beliefs appear to be remenants of teenage rebellion anyway.

the detox is making me feel kinda sick and kinda stoned, my stomach feels like it's falling out, he's here today, he's so worth it

so

Doctors have been visited, I'm on a no cheese, no alcohol, no red meat diet for the next two weeks to see if it will kick start me, and they've referred me to a gym and offered me the weird slimming pills that mean you don't absorb fat, I turned those down, I may be obsessed, but I can't be doing with stuff like that, maybe if the rest doesn't work.
I missed him yesterday, desperately, like a craving, it was fucked up, but it had been the first day I hadn't seen him in like a week, he was on im, but I didn't say hi and neither did he, I hung out in the store we both go to, but that's not that weird, I have a lot of friends there and they have net, I walked home, up the hill in the rain, it was cool, there were flash floods here yesterday.
This is kind of a stream of consciousness thing I'm doing right now, it's chilling me out considerably, today for breakfast I had 5 cherries, 5 grapes and a satsuma, the nurse says I need to get into the habit of eating 5 times a day, graze on loads of fruit and veg, and it will make my metabolism speed up, she says starving myself won't help, can't help but think that probably it would, tempted to make myself really ill, a couple of weeks on iv fluids would speed things up considerably.

wow, today was interesting, so, I fail hard, one grilled cheese sandwich (no butter) and I feel sick and utterly disappointed with myself, I hit the shower and am getting ready to head to town and pay my rent, and then he calls, "hi", says he, "Oh Hi", says I, "It's me," says he, "Hi smee," say I, original I know, so he's in town and bored, so suddenly I'm skipping gleefully down the hill into town, one half hour walk later and I'm on cloud nine, because he was bored and called me, strike 2 against deep me, so we wander around and chat shit for a while, in that companionable zone, where I am a non-sexual object because of the lard, and we drink tea, and buy crap, and drink more tea, (one small, fairtrade, skinny latte, 2 cups of earl grey, he had a green tea and 2 cups of earl grey, but that lacks relevence). we go back, take my housemates eldest son to beavers and grocery shop, oh yeah while we were in town I had to deal with the humiliation of a homeless guy who sells magazines telling him not to let me get away, and what a lucky guy he is to have me, while he protested bitterly that we were just friends, I nearly threw up.
So I cooked up chicken salad with olive oil vinagrette salami, cheese good bread, and we sat around in companionable silence until he went home, just now, and gods help me I miss him already.